Blood tests...

So today I went to go get my second blood tests. Finally. I have been avoiding the situation for months now (since I found out in December). It is avoidance, as well as work being always there. A doctor's appointment seems so far away.

It was painless though. In and out. Hopefully it won't cost too much because I have no health insurance right now...but I was planning on paying in cash anyways. I want to keep as many records of my appointments off the books while I can. I don't want to cause any unnesacary worrying to my family if it comes back negative. But in reality I don't know what will happen. I think that is why I want the test. To get another full 'yes' or 'no' on my situation. I think I will cry whatever the results are though. Happy if negative, sad acceptance if it is positive.

I just have to accept that we can change life as much as we want, but we must accept things we can't change. Hep C has no real current cure and if diagnosed, you can take anti-viral medicine, but it is more like cancer. You go into remission. Sure, there are a ton of people that live healthy lives after being tested, but I know currently in my life my fear of diagnosis keeps me from really wanting to connect to people, especially physically connect with people. I couldn't take it if I knew I had "infected" someone with what I have (if positive). Sometimes the fear of not knowing is so great it racks on your brain. The 'gray zone' we are sometimes in when it comes to life. But I will see. They are telling my possibly 3 days to get my results in. Then I may possibly know. Possibly. I just have to hope for the best.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

So it has been awhile

I have decided I am going to attempt to bring back this blog and see where it takes me. I know no one really reads it, but I want to put something out there that isn't my livejournal (which no one will ever have access to because I rant and whine only on it). I want to put myself out there as much as I can, without out telling too much at the same time. It is my attempt to bring me back to honesty and document myself. So here it goes.

I am sick.

Not just in the "I am mentally sick" but also in I may be possibly by physically sick.

I tested positive for Hepatitis C in December 2010. I am 21.

I don't know what this means for my future, what it will do in the long run, but I tested positive for the anti-bodies and when a second test was run I tested negative.

I don't know what to do.

It is something I think no one is really looking to hear when they go to the doctor. What could be wrong with you. I was in a funk for awhile (and sometime get back in) when I think about it. I am young, slightly healthy. What could cause it?

Possibly the other aspect of me that is "sick."

I've been a cutter for 8 years. Since 2003 I started and have gone in and out of 'recovery.' It is a hard habit to kick, and in the past months I have had to experience some rough times with it. But it is what it is, and I have to accept it for what it is.

I want this blog to keep talking about my work in the community (which is now focused on education), but it will be in the back drop of my personal state right now. A young woman who is a recovering cutter, possible positive Hep C person, and mostly lesbian but bisexual Southerner. I want to be honest with myself and others for once. Or at least try to.