So an update on things

Ah! So I left on a bad note and really didn't say much.

The test was negative! It was so calming to hear the news. I admit, when it comes to my own life I am a bit of a fatalist. It happens. I was just. I don't know what it was. I had already accepted that I would die of liver failure. I was ready to go quietly without anyone knowing. Possibly die in a blaze of glory before hand and just go. I wanted that. I needed that at a point.

If anything. The whole happening of events, the break downs, sobs, hysterics, guilt, pain, fear, happiness, shame, nightmares, dreams, fantasies. They have made me realize I need to move on with my life. "Get busy living or get busy dying." I realize with me life I was living as a could to the fullest and in a mindless bombardment of 'amens' and 'hallelujahs' cause I was getting busy living by trying to get busy dying. If that makes sense. Pushing against the edges to taste death. To kiss her crumbling bones and call her my own. Cause that was my love in a way. And at the same time of not wanting it, I craved it. Desired it to the point it would consume my lunges more than any cigarette or smoke that could sneak through my veins. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't be that forever.

I went home recently. Oh yea, I ended the Spring semester and went home for a little over two weeks. My mother noticed I had matured. Moved on I guess from my past. In a way the news from the blood tests changed things. Its just. Just. Blood. It seems to always follow me. Funny huh? Every corner I turn it plays in my life in some way. Maybe I'll talk about it later. One day. Further. Until then I have to hope that the test was correct and I am negative. Maybe there is a chance it is wrong and it was a false negative. I need to do another one in September to double verify I feel like. But we gotta keep moving and hope the lord has done something to give us guidance. I was once blind, damn. I probably am still going on recovering, but I'm recovering. I'm trying. I try.

Blood tests...

So today I went to go get my second blood tests. Finally. I have been avoiding the situation for months now (since I found out in December). It is avoidance, as well as work being always there. A doctor's appointment seems so far away.

It was painless though. In and out. Hopefully it won't cost too much because I have no health insurance right now...but I was planning on paying in cash anyways. I want to keep as many records of my appointments off the books while I can. I don't want to cause any unnesacary worrying to my family if it comes back negative. But in reality I don't know what will happen. I think that is why I want the test. To get another full 'yes' or 'no' on my situation. I think I will cry whatever the results are though. Happy if negative, sad acceptance if it is positive.

I just have to accept that we can change life as much as we want, but we must accept things we can't change. Hep C has no real current cure and if diagnosed, you can take anti-viral medicine, but it is more like cancer. You go into remission. Sure, there are a ton of people that live healthy lives after being tested, but I know currently in my life my fear of diagnosis keeps me from really wanting to connect to people, especially physically connect with people. I couldn't take it if I knew I had "infected" someone with what I have (if positive). Sometimes the fear of not knowing is so great it racks on your brain. The 'gray zone' we are sometimes in when it comes to life. But I will see. They are telling my possibly 3 days to get my results in. Then I may possibly know. Possibly. I just have to hope for the best.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

So it has been awhile

I have decided I am going to attempt to bring back this blog and see where it takes me. I know no one really reads it, but I want to put something out there that isn't my livejournal (which no one will ever have access to because I rant and whine only on it). I want to put myself out there as much as I can, without out telling too much at the same time. It is my attempt to bring me back to honesty and document myself. So here it goes.

I am sick.

Not just in the "I am mentally sick" but also in I may be possibly by physically sick.

I tested positive for Hepatitis C in December 2010. I am 21.

I don't know what this means for my future, what it will do in the long run, but I tested positive for the anti-bodies and when a second test was run I tested negative.

I don't know what to do.

It is something I think no one is really looking to hear when they go to the doctor. What could be wrong with you. I was in a funk for awhile (and sometime get back in) when I think about it. I am young, slightly healthy. What could cause it?

Possibly the other aspect of me that is "sick."

I've been a cutter for 8 years. Since 2003 I started and have gone in and out of 'recovery.' It is a hard habit to kick, and in the past months I have had to experience some rough times with it. But it is what it is, and I have to accept it for what it is.

I want this blog to keep talking about my work in the community (which is now focused on education), but it will be in the back drop of my personal state right now. A young woman who is a recovering cutter, possible positive Hep C person, and mostly lesbian but bisexual Southerner. I want to be honest with myself and others for once. Or at least try to.

Things turn and go and I wonder where I go

It has been an interesting time thus far in City Year. I spend moments where I feel like "this is what I want to do with my life" and others where I am torn in each direction and I sit down wondering who I am.

It may have a lot to do with my kids. They are all very dynamic. They all are a bit active, in a behavior sort of way. One of my students was kicked out of our after school program and I don't know how to handle it. Almost like I don't know what the point pf the program is without him anymore. And I think the thing that bothers me the most is I didn't try to defend him. I let him leave, and I guess I feel weak, like I should have fought for him. But really...I don't know. Repeating past mistakes and hoping that in the morning no one will know. I don't know. I just don't know.

Registraion day and a second chance for the city to redeem itself

Today we registered with City Year. Nothing much really. Filled out paper work, I'm sure I may have intialled somewhere I gave part of my soul to some group...hopefully City Year. That was about it. I got lost getting off South Station to go to the post office. Lucky me though, there are some good people in this town. When I was almost hit by a car the guy stopped real quick then stopped to see if I was okay. I didn't really get hit, but I jumped a bit. Another guy walked me to the post office while he was on his lunch break so I wouldn't be lost more. So I was ridiculously happy about all this. I also meet another guy. He is from Mississippi and was trying to get donations for the Democratic National Convention. When I told him I was from Louisiana he basically jumped from his skin. Nice dude as well. Altogether, the city is getting slowly redeemed in kindness.

So why the big deal? Well, I personally believe the South is a very friendly place. Some people may disagree on this, but altogether I think people will try to be as kind as possible to you if they can. I was raised to be polite and to help others when I see them in distress (this includes looking very lost on a corner of a street). It promotes a fellowship between people and allows everyone to feel like they are not completely lost in the world. Just my opinion. I just think we all have to work with each. When you give up on people, you give up on humanity.

Moving in and getting in

So I am in Boston, MA for those of you who do not know. I will be here for about a year for a non-profit organization called City Year. I flew out on Tuesday (August 19th) and picked up the keys for the house. It has been interesting thus far. Four of the seven roommates have moved in and the other three will be here next Tuesday (the 26th). In this time I have become more "acquainted" with the city, figured out Craig's list is not the best to get a bed (which I will not have until the 28th), and also that I miss people. Today saw my parents off to the airport. It was weird I guess. Seeing them go and all. My mom and dad were crying. Stef was more yea you'll be back in a year. I miss Momo and my friends. I like my roommates, they are nice, but sometimes I feel like I am skirting on edges with some topics or other things. Don't get me wrong they are good people, I just am still getting a feel for everyone around. Here.

We've done a lot while we were here. Me and dad mostly did house things while Stef and mom did more touring. We ate ate at a few places. Mike's pastry was the only place wotrth talking about, the rest were over priced and okay. Oh, and Plymouth is nice. I wonder if I can find a bus to it. Well Here are pictures of the house for ya'll. I'll post my room pictures when I get everything moved in.