So an update on things

Ah! So I left on a bad note and really didn't say much.

The test was negative! It was so calming to hear the news. I admit, when it comes to my own life I am a bit of a fatalist. It happens. I was just. I don't know what it was. I had already accepted that I would die of liver failure. I was ready to go quietly without anyone knowing. Possibly die in a blaze of glory before hand and just go. I wanted that. I needed that at a point.

If anything. The whole happening of events, the break downs, sobs, hysterics, guilt, pain, fear, happiness, shame, nightmares, dreams, fantasies. They have made me realize I need to move on with my life. "Get busy living or get busy dying." I realize with me life I was living as a could to the fullest and in a mindless bombardment of 'amens' and 'hallelujahs' cause I was getting busy living by trying to get busy dying. If that makes sense. Pushing against the edges to taste death. To kiss her crumbling bones and call her my own. Cause that was my love in a way. And at the same time of not wanting it, I craved it. Desired it to the point it would consume my lunges more than any cigarette or smoke that could sneak through my veins. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't be that forever.

I went home recently. Oh yea, I ended the Spring semester and went home for a little over two weeks. My mother noticed I had matured. Moved on I guess from my past. In a way the news from the blood tests changed things. Its just. Just. Blood. It seems to always follow me. Funny huh? Every corner I turn it plays in my life in some way. Maybe I'll talk about it later. One day. Further. Until then I have to hope that the test was correct and I am negative. Maybe there is a chance it is wrong and it was a false negative. I need to do another one in September to double verify I feel like. But we gotta keep moving and hope the lord has done something to give us guidance. I was once blind, damn. I probably am still going on recovering, but I'm recovering. I'm trying. I try.